Two Walls

There are two walls, not one. For years now I have been working at tearing down the emotional wall I’ve built around myself. It’s been like a dog digging in loose sand. The more I tear away, the more it fills back in, often higher than it started.

However, I’ve discovered that there is another wall. The inner wall is my anxiety, guilt and overthinking. The outer wall is how I think, or fear, the world perceives me. This wall is strong, and it supports and feeds the inner wall, but it seems to be brittle. If I could break through this outer wall, both walls could collapse.

I can’t control what the world thinks of me, but I can control what I think they think. Or perhaps, learn to not care what they think. The problem is that I have to lose my fear of offending people. This guilt is strong, often imaginary, but sometimes not.

Yes, I feel guilt when I offend people. I feel guilt when I think I might offend someone. According to a couple articles I read, it is necessary to offend people if you want to grow as a person. That isn’t easy for me.