Tom Flanders World

Writer of Fiction
 

Colon Watch 2013

The day before:

10:00
No food today. Liquids only. Well, Jello is allowed but since it makes me throw up I don’t think I’ll be eating any of that. I’ll be drinking Gatorade for the electrolytes and Mountain Dew for the caffeine. I don’t think I’ll be doing much physically demanding stuff today. A chance to catch up on my writing.

12:00
Skipping breakfast was easy. Skipping lunch is a bit harder. Though I’m not sure if I’m really hungry or just ready to eat out of force of habit.

14:30
Blood sugar is 165. That’s pretty good for drinking nothing but sugar water all day. I’m going to take a nap because I don’t think I’ll be sleeping much tonight.

17:00
First round of SUPREP. Eight ounces of disgusting liquid mixed with the same amount of water, followed by two more sixteen ounce cups of water. I feel like a plastic bag with a gold fish swimming around my middle. Best thing is I get to do this again a four A.M.. The worrisome part is that the instructions state that this process should be done at home as the effect will begin immediately.

BM 1. Pretty normal
BM 2. Bit stronger, more liquid
BM 3. AAAAHHHHH!!!!!
etc.

The day:

04:00
Second round of SURPREP. Vomiting is barely avoided. Spent a bunch of time on the toilet shooting nearly colorless liquid. I’m starting to think that they don’t really need you to do this but to prepare you mentally. After all this the idea of having a camera stuck up your but seems trivial.

7:00
At the butt plumber’s office. While filling out the paperwork the street cleaners went by. So that’s why there was all that parking. Ah well, another San Francisco car tax payment.

7:30
I was taken to the back and had to spell my name for a parade of people. They were all very nice and assuring. I felt so bad because this tiny little nurse had to push me and the bed to the procedure room. I offered to help. In the room the had lay on my side and the doctor had the nurse give me 50-20, whatever that means.

Some time later
The little nurse wakes me and says a bunch of words to me. Somewhere in the gibberish I hear “your wife,” so I assume everything is OK.

Some guy came in and asked me to spell my name. I was able to so he told me I could get dressed.

Chester drove home. I don’t know if was because I’ve never ridden in the backseat, or was woozy, or because we seemed to over the line in the road, but I found it much more comforting to keep my eyes closed.

13:30
Food! I ate a peanut butter sandwich. It was the best peanut butter sandwich ever! My head is still woozy though.

15:30 – 18:00
Another nap. Little bits of random memory keep popping into my head. In the recovery room somebody asked me if I wanted apple juice or cranberry juice. I hope I said apple juice.

20:00
Just noticed that I was not feeling well. It felt like my blood sugar was very low but when I checked it it was normal. That usually means I’m dehydrated. I drank a bottle of Gatorade and feel much better now.

23:00
The food and stuff are at odds. Gone back to liquid.

The day after:

My head is still fuzzy. The knock-out drug from yesterday is lingering. Third nice day in a row that I haven’t been able to ride my bike. Boo hiss.

The day after the day after:

My head is much clearer today. I should also mention that they found no polyps or problems up there, so I’m good for another five years.

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Tags: - Author: Tom - Published: August 9, 2013

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