Am I The Asshole?


My parents taught me not to have a big ego, but I took it too far. My fear of ego has crippled my brushes with success. It’s happening again.

This week I’m going to the premiere of a movie I’m in. My wife is going with me. Last night I had the revelation that she is the only woman who after seeing me on screen, won’t want to have sex with me. Not her fault, she’s ill.

I don’t mean any woman, like all the woman in existence. I mean any of the woman, that I already know, that I would want to take to the movie. A much smaller group. In fact, there are three. That’s not a lot.

Not that it matters, because none of them are going with me, so none of them will be swayed by my brush with fame. The point is that I’m embarrassed at thinking any of these three women would want to have sex with me. This borders on having an ego.

The problem is that I should let myself have an ego. I’m in a movie. In a few weeks I’ll be shooting an even bigger part in a feature length movie. I should be proud of this.

But the voices at the back of my head are telling me to take it easy. They don’t want me to become an asshole. It’s all-or-nothing thinking. I must find the middle ground.

Pride is not a sin. Hubris is. They didn’t teach the word hubris in school, so they used the word pride instead. Not the same thing.

How much pride can you have before it become hubris? Again, the words do not align that way. If you saved hundreds of people’s lives you are entitled to unlimited pride. Hubris, on the other hand, is unjustified pride. If you are proud of the gold toilet you bought, that’s hubris.

So where does that leave me. I had a small part in a movie. I’m proud of the job I did. If people see it and laugh, I will be proud of making them laugh. If that makes me think I’m a movie star, THAT would be hubris.

Update: Wound up going alone. Conflict averted.